hold my breath

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i stop myself as i catch me walking towards you
i know what i want
but i’m scared of feeling your rejection one more time

i hold my breath as i stare ahead
do i go?
do i tell you hey
do i make a light joke
do i dare make up a silly excuse just to get us talking
..do i dare to wander in your surroundings
do i – dare – to keep – moving towards you-
towards that wall of coldness you will most likely receive me with?

how close would you let me get?

i hold my breath as i ponder what to do
where to go
if to keep walking and hope for the best
or turn around and let it all fall

i hold my breath as i stare into myself
i hold my breath as panic fills me with your reaction
i know you won’t be rude
i know you won’t be mean
i also know you won’t be clear
you’ll just act distant
nonchalant
letting me to make up with your absense
letting me to make due with your distant self
letting me to wonder

i hold my breath as i pull back
for the feelings are mine
but the power to shift them is yours
i hold my breath as i pull back
i hold my breath as i pull back..

I miss you..
..i want you back

xx
C.

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i’ve decided

that I’m going to be happy
I’m going to look out for my happiness
I’m going to not stress over the far out future
for the far out future is an evil invention that serves me little but frustrates me a lot

I’ve decided that I don’t need a label, I don’t even want one
I no longer need to justify my emotions
don’t even need to make excuses for my feelings
or chain them to the ground because of others
they are mine to live, feel, freely be and enjoy; even suffer when to that it comes

that I don’t need anyone’s approval
that mine is not just enough but the only one that matters
that if I’m happy in my skin the world can go to hell
that if It makes me happy, It can’t be that bad.. (cue that Sheryl Crow song)

today I’ve decided I’m living my life for me
today I acknowledge my power
today I acknowledge my energy
today I acknowledge my goddess
today I thank the universe for that

tomorrow might come
tomorrow might shift it all
tomorrow I’ll be fine
cuz I’ll be living in my own skin

I’ve decided what I’ll choose
I’ve decided how I’ll live
I’ve decided what I’ll die for
and I’ve decided it’ll be me.

whatever brings me joy
whatever brings me life
whatever brings me up
whatever brightens me out

I’m not asking for it
I’m taking what’s mine
what I’ve come to earn
and I’ll work till my last breath for what I still want to get

I will not settle down
I will not back down
I won’t apologize for my desires
I won’t hide my dreams

today I’m being me
just you look out and see

xx
C.

in my ribs, where you hurt

there’s so many things i want to tell you
so many things that i wish you’d know

you really got to me, you know?
really got under my skin
your words made me dream
and your words made me live

yet some words you used to tear up my heart
this one thing you said, it killed me
it still does

you know me so well
yet there’s things you don’t get..
you know me so well
in the world you’re the one that knows me the most

i miss you so much
..you’ve hurt me so much
i love you so much
..i love you so much

xx
C.

raw

You Know Me
I’m wide open
I’m here
I’ve been naked in front of you
I’ve shown you my scars
You’ve played with my demons
..you actually put them to sleep
You know you have that power

You’ve kissed me
You’ve touched me
You’ve killed me many times before
You’ve made me feel the most alive I’ve ever felt

You give me light
You cuddle me in my dark

You speak..
You smile..
You breathe..
..You look at me and that’s my undoing
You know you have that power

I’m Just A Man, what more do you want from me?

the one thing you cannot give me
that one thing I’ve never had
..the one thing you’ll never give me

xx
C.
written when i was hardly hit by a stone hard realization

4.30

got up
had a bite to eat
came back to bed

got up
went to the kitchen to take a pill, preventing the innevitable headache i’ll have in a couple hours from lack of sleep
came back to bed

i see it’s raining
i hear no thunders but i see lightning

i like rain
it’s subtle tho
can’t really hear it
but i’ve already checked and it’ll rain all day

i need to get some sleep
will be up in a couple hours

i need to get some sleep
can’t be thinking about what is not

i need to get some sleep
can’t keep giving into this

xx
C